We all have a sad history to tell.Some sad than others,but i think all of then deserve to be listened.Never mind,i think the main reason of why i'm writing here is cause i got no one to listen.Is good,i'm not complaning,but i rather post a Journal here and everyone think is jsut another att-whore than pay 150 for 45 minutes of someone pretending that is listening to me while scribble on a piece of paper.
Let's start,i'm Julia,i live in Brazil and right now i'm on my grandma's house.I know,sleepover on grandma's is a bit childish,but not ofr me.She have a spare room and needed company,so here i am.I sleep 3 hours per night,is not fun at seems,i can listen my heartbeat against my ribcage creating a bizarre rythym for the thousands voice i listen when everyhting is silent.Is a sadict melody they're singing.I came here cause...i was tired to stay in my house,well,that was like a purgatory.I bet i did something very bad at my past life,cause i'm paying for it everyday.Stay alive is a punishment for me.
I'm rude and distant,i don't like talk and i can enjoy a good company staying in silence for hours.I rather listen than talk,i'm not good supporting people in rl,but give me a piece of paper and i'll write something that i'll cheer you up or totally destroy you.I don't feel good when i hang out.Until my 12 years old i though i was just wierd and extremaly shy,but after my 13 years i started to think it had something wrong with me.I wasn't like the other grils,i wasn't liek anyone i knew.But i kept for myself,i always heard mom and the TV saying that teenager was this way,so i felt glad i was normal for feel diferent.But as i grown up and really start to open my eyes for the real world,i knew i it had something wrong with me.Nnothing serious,but wrong.As i learnt and discovering things,mainly about my family,the colors of my world start to get washed out.It was getting grey at each passing day.But again,i kept for myself afraid i was acting silly,and all i hear was "is just a phase","get over it' and "it's nothing,you'll see".
When i had 16 i start to notice how my life was...a lie.I notice how my whole family was just a bad actors who was unlucky to be here today.And this years was exausting.Emotionally and physically.First all this revelations start to make sense,at night that old happy childhood memory start to reveal itself on a painfull and twisted memory.
"Remember when you father didn't back home,and you found mommy kneeled on the kitchen's floor at 3 am? Her face was red and her voice was raspy,she said it was everyhting ok.Now you know it wasn't."
"Yyou know you never liked to stuck your head on the laundry basket,it made you feel unconfortable and seems something bad it would happen.You know why,right? Oh you don't remember,i'll help you:was late,one of your parents was very mad and the other had the face forced into that basket cause the laudry wasn't washed.A fist full of hair...a little girl who should be sleeping...remember now?"
For this to worse,some of this twisted memories i won't mention cause it will be too much and too painfull to type.
It all started 6 years ago.
As the days passed i started to became...a shell.Full of regret and pain.Regret for not be able to change nothing and pain for still here too watch all i have fall apart.As a consequence,i became cold and mean with everyone around me,i didn't gace them the proper valor and respect.Most of days i'm a heartless person,i don't feel anything,but today...today i feel...alive.And now i regret some o my choices.I feel lonely and i don't have anyone to listen.Ok,i still thinking this is a sign of weakness,you know,need a shoulder to lean on and not be able to stand for yourself?Weakness.But i don't need to lean,i just need...take a deep breath.I'm soldier by my own,i have been for years,i don't need a saviour.
I nevver had friends,the closed i had to friends is for a few people online,i never saw this as a sad thing,but is starting to get my down.Slowly dragging my down further and further on this darkness.
All kind of relationship i had never bring anything good,just proved how these little voices in my head was right.
"Promisses is always broken"
"On the end,all you have is yourself"
"The only one to blame is you,and you alone.Is your fault"
"You're not enough."
I believe in Karma,we have to pay for our action.Good or bad,it always have a priece.The only thing it calms my frenetic heartbeat is to know i did my best to protect my brothers for this painful world.I didn't lie,i just showing them that we chose what we want to see,so at least try seek for something good to look at.And deep inside i know,somehow all i've been through i deserved.
I'm just another one in the crowd,drowning in cheap whiskey and tears living in a decaying country who's looking for a job to fill my free time so i won't be in silence for too long and give chances to the voices on my head,jsut to try feel important.Desperate trying to find anything to prove i'm not bad,at least,not at all.Just another one on internet writing shit texts about their lives like someone cares.Bby the way,i'm not here saying "help me! read this and give me attention",as i said,i just needed a listener.Posting here make me feel good.I don't know why,but is conforting.
I'm sorry for everyone i left behind.Some of them i was jsut trying to protect from the mess inside me.Some of them did small things and big things i couldn't trully forgive."There's things we can't forgive,no matter how many years pass,the scar will always be there.",I heard this somewhere,i can't remember where.And right now,i don't wanna remember a lot of things.
I'm really sorry for all i've done and said.The worse part is that on the mind of those i used to care all i'll be is just a bad memory.
Tomorrow if i don't have a killing hangover or if i don't fall unconcious like happened last week,maybe the Journal entry will get in my regret's list.Maybe not.Who knows.I learn that tomorrow is full of surprises,your life can get upside down in days,hours,minutes and even seconds.So enjoy while you can,don't worry to much.Just worry about your own happiness and don't try to fix a broken person cause you may get hurt trying to pic their shards.
Tomorrow is another day,hopefully it will be a better one.
It said that home is where the heart is.But i don't have a heart.
I like to think my heart is somewhere else happy.
Waiting for me.